Well fuck that. Look, this is my blog so let me tell you one thing to start - I am never going to look like a movie star. James Corden maybe, I suppose. But not a leading man anyway. I'm fine with this. Truthfully it's not massively important to me. My body shape has yo yo'd a lot in the past decade but I feel at a crossroads right now. Food is a funny topic for me. It's never a problem until it is. Growing up, I remember comfort eating from a very very young age. Even at age ten I vividly remember stopping on my way home to pick up 2 packs of sherbert cola for 10p each. Note - 2 packs, not one. Nothing in moderation except moderation, that's me. I was heavy throughout my teens - I don't know a figure because I never stopped on a weighing scales until I was 18 - and I always remember my Dad telling me 'if you keep eating the way you are, you'll never meet a girl'. Put bluntly he was right! Ironically it was in the aftermath of his death, when I was 17, that I began to take control of my body shape. I joined the gym and launched myself into it, going multiple times a week. I got into really good shape. I think I was about 14 stone when I finished up there in the summer of 2002. Probably sounds heavy but to me it was a low figure. I'd been about 16 stone when I started. Shortly after finishing there I moved to England for 18 months in late 2002. Out went the gym and in came the heavy, heavy drinking. It is safe to say this was the first time I learned about just how quickly your body shape can change. I was there about 5 months when my friend Ian - who wasn't afraid to be blunt - told me I'd put on 'AT LEAST two stone since I moved over'. I wasn't having this. Still, I had no scales so who knew? I didn't weigh myself again until 4 or 5 months later. Safe to say I was shocked beyond belief when I saw the scales read 17 stone. Holy shit. 3 stone in 8 months. That was a shocker. And it got worse. I went as heavy as 17.5 stone before moving home from England.
I hovered around that mark for a couple years before I got my job in Carole Nash in 2006. Having worked in petrol stations for the prior 3 years with food all around me all day, just being in an office environment and not having the easy access to heavy foods all day knocked a stone off me. When I gave up booze early in 2007, the weight came flying off and I got back down to 14 stone. It's crucial to note that I was not always working hard in these times, going to the gym or watching what I ate. It was partially diet and exercise, but partially circumstance. If I was busy, I tended to eat less and even minor exercise - football with the lads, for example - would keep the weight off. Over the next few years after getting into a toxic relationship all my comfort eating tendencies came back in droves. Before I knew it was was 16 and a half stone again. Then in 2010, I discovered subway. Never has something so random gotten me in such good shape. I would go to subway every day on my lunch in work. Because I was having an 'indulgent' meal for my lunch, I had no real desire to have other take aways. Suddenly the weight just started falling off me. And I was encouraged so I ran with it. I joined the gym and I played football with the lads and I went for sprints after Liverpool defeats, using the anger to fuel me. By the end of 2010 I was down to 13 stone 4 pounds. This was and is the lowest I've ever seen on a scales.
I had been hovering around 13 - 14 stone for 3 years until Carra came along. After all the health issues I tackled in 2011 I had been unable to do regular exercise for a long time but I was diligent enough with my diet to keep in that ballpark. But the past 18 months, everything has just fallen apart. Going part time in work immensely helped my health - I feel much better these days - and crucially, most importantly, the time I spend with Carra is a truly wonderful thing, I have cherished every moment. But comfort eating be damned, I have gotten FAT! I am just north of the 15 and a half stone mark. In times gone by, this wouldn't really bother me, but I'm finding it really stressful.
Firstly, since my health problems in 2011 I've experienced back problems on and off on a consistent basis. But in the past 6 months my lower back has been pretty constantly in agony. I find carrying Carra - I know she's only 35 pounds but she is awkward as all hell - puts immense pressure on it and it's in agony. Make no mistake though, that extra 25 pounds goes straight around my stomach which adds to the pressure on my back. This bothers me for four reasons. The first is the pain. As I said it's not constant, but it's consistent and it's worsening. I can't carry her for 5 minutes without feeling it. That's a very challenging thing when you're the father of a 2 year old who wants her Dad to hold her. Secondly, I'm fucking horrendously unfit. I have always been unfit to an extent, even when I was playing football every week and going to the gym regularly. But I mean it's embarrassing. This week we have been partaking in many activities - cycling, walking, climbing, football etc. I get blown up in SECONDS. I cannot overstate this. I have the fitness of an 80 year old! Thirdly, it's embarrassing and hurts my pride that sometimes when I'll be playing with Carra, I have to tap out because I'm too tired or my back is hurting. I am 31. I am not an old man. I have no reason not to be in substantially better physical condition. And lastly - my father died aged 45 and grandfather aged 66, both of massive heart attacks. I know I am not at the stage where that is a concern, but it's not responsible for me to have all this added pressure on my heart.
The reason I decided to write all this was to lay it all out in cold hard facts and make it real, understand it, see it in black and white. And I figured sharing it with all of you may take some of the shame out of your own 'battle of the bulge' - I think it's something we all go through - but I also thought it might shame me into action. I really genuinely do want to make changes.
Doing so is hard, but truthfully, if it's important to me I can do it. Any young parent will tell you it's not as easy to get time to go to the gym as it is when you're single. It's hard for me when MT gets in the door at 7:30 to say 'dinner is in the microwave, I'll be back at 9:30'. It kind of feels like a mean spirited thing to do. But I know I need to. Improving my physical health is paramount to my quality of life, my mood, and the impact I have on my family.
So it's going to be a multi pronged attack. Exercise is most important to me. If I want to get in better shape it's not going to happen by sitting on the couch starving myself. I need to get to the gym. I need to move. I need to walk, to lift, to cycle. Gym it is. When it comes to food, I need routine. When I don't have that. I snack. When I snack, it's an ugly scene. The odd cheeky burger when I drive past McD's, a sneaky ice cream at bedtime, a pack of jellies on my lunch etc etc. I have never been good with moderation so the only way I know to achieve this is just to not have things around.
I'm not setting weight targets because really and truthfully, this isn't about how I look. It's about how I feel. But I will be blogging and updating on my progress. So watch this space!
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